The sun has decided to shine & even our caterpillars have decided today is the day they will turn into chrysalis.
As with the ups, there are often the downs (which reminds me of another song from Disney's Robin Hood cartoon). The hardest change we are bracing ourselves for is the inevitable with Grandad & his battle with terminal cancer. The dreaded 'C' word that scares everyone.
There are many different support communities for people diagnosed with cancer & their families. If this is something you are going through, I wish you well & I highly recommend you find out about the support groups near you. I can't praise the McMillan team in our area enough.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/
By now, the Me of a few years ago would be curled up on the sofa crying, feeling ill & praying for someone to come along with a crystal ball & tell me everything is going to be alright. (Cue another of my favourite songs from growing up - Alright by E:17).
The Me now is living in the moment & I'm really proud of myself for how I am managing everything. I am in control of what I am feeling & in situations that have had me feeling the pangs of anxiety starting to rear its ugly head I have taken a moment, assessed what I am feeling, put it into perspective or into my 'come back to it later' file & carried on with what I am doing. I go to singing classes & one of the songs we have covered recently was Cabaret by Liza Minnelli. I often sing this song to myself now especially when I need a kick up the bum. There's one particular line which is becoming my new motto but due to copyrights I can't tell you which line it is!
There have been 2 EUREKA moments this week where I realised how far I have come in recent years.
The first was last Wednesday. After a major bank messing us around with our mortgage application, the joys of moving home, we decided to meet with a mortgage advisor. It was a long meeting of filling in forms & talking about insurances. Like most of the people out there, we have our life insurances etc but upon closer inspection they're not as good as we had thought so we discussed new ones. Going through the forms....my goodness!! Have you got any illnesses. diseases etc etc. Is there a history of this, that or the other in your family along with the discussion about the 'what if's' of life. I came out of the meeting feeling drained but I realised I wasn't scared of what the future would hold & I wasn't scared that by discussing all these things that I was tempting fate. I actually felt settled that if, IF anything was to happen, my family would be taken care of & we would still have a roof over our heads.
Excited...new mortgage sorted & we're still all systems go for moving (another song - Our house by Madness).
The second moment was on Tuesday this week. We enjoyed our daughter's first sports day. From there I took Grandad to an appointment with a palliative care doctor & then went home & played with our son. Why was this day a eureka moment? At the end of the day I realized that for everything I had done that day I had been completely in the moment. My mind had NOT wandered elsewhere or had random thoughts about the usual things my anxiety side would tend towards. I had not spent time looking at other people & asking myself 'why can't I be more like them?' & 'why are they able to enjoy what they're doing & I can't relax properly?' The truth of the matter is I can do those things & be the person I want to be IF I take time to check in with myself each day. (Man in the mirror by Michael Jakson)
Another truth of the matter is that EVERYONE has random thoughts of one kind or another & EVERYONE has times when they are not completely in the moment as it would seem.
So I am now no longer look at others & assuming they are enjoying life any more or any less than I am. I am trying to just be!
Free & in the moment.
